Carry On Bilbo
by IceLights
Summary: Bilbo is taking prisoner by Azog...madness ensues.


Carry On Bilbo

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own characters; everything else belongs to Tolkien and Jackson.

Hey guys I apologize beforehand for the gruesomeness of the story…I don't usually write gory graphic stuff but this little one shot wouldn't leave me alone and I want to go to sleep so here it is (its 4am here, I suddenly woke up for no reason and this pops into my head… I am going to shoot my plot bunny…)

Enjoy

Azog had an obsession with rats, Bilbo decided after being threatened for what felt like the hundredth time with the foul little creatures.

Would you like him to explain just why he was being threatened with rats while being held captive in Azog's dungeons?

Right well, for starters he jumped (recklessly) from the tree to save Thorin's life. Easy right? Wrong.

After stabbing an Orc to death that was ordered by the King of the Albino's to cut off Thorins head and bring it to him (what was he going to do mount it on his wall?) well the Orc kind of ran into his sword but who cares? Anyway, Azog's bleached out mongrel grabbed him between its jaws _just_ as the bloody Eagles turned up to carry everyone to safety. Sounds good right? Wrong again.

They _neglected_ to save the poor Hobbit _literally_ from the jaws of death, instead flying off without a care in the world to a rocky stick poking out of the ground.

Well Done…extra worms for them tonight. But anyway, he had been _carried yes carried!_ All the damn way to Azog's creepy castle thingy in the jaws of the dog. Before being dragged through the halls (well he says halls…more like dank smelly tunnels) and thrown _unceremoniously _into a dungeon (which could do with a spring cleaning if you asked him) and then tied to chair _a chair! Him! _Bilbo Baggins_, respectable _Hobbit of the Shire _tied to a bloody chair of all things!_

Anyway, King of the Albino's _thoughtfully_ decided to grace him with his presence. Yes, that was when bleach head had first shown him his rats (get your mind out of the gutter) . . with teeth like needles and tiny squashed up faces that looked like they had been done in with Dwalin's monster hammer.

King Albino had graciously announced that they were going to eat him…silence…before he had burst out laughing and Snow White had stormed out in a hissy fit. And yes he did mean hissy fit, hands thrown up in the air and everything.

The reality had hit him then, as he stared at Azog's pet rats in their cage. This was how Bilbo Baggin's was going to die. Eaten by rats. Lovely. He wanted to die in his nice warm bed, asleep. No pain!

Anyway, the others had BETTER have noticed him gone by now so he _hoped _they had the common sense to come and_ get him!_

So Bilbo did what he did best, stall for time, just like with the trolls.

He had noticed (barely) that while he was laughing Azog had stormed off like a princess who had been denied new shoes. So the mighty snow white hadn't taken to well to being insulted… hmmm…he was _very good_ at throwing around insults (blame the Dwarves)…

So he waited and waited until _finally _Azog strode back into the dungeon and stopped in front of him. Waiting… well if he was waiting Bilbo was more than happy to give him a present before one of them died…

"Did you know that if you turned off the lights, I would still be able to see you?" he stated solemnly "Does your skin burn in the sun? Because I have some _excellent_ sun cream for that" he continued as Azog gaped at him "You know, I never thought that mummies dunked their kids in barrels of suger to make them sweet but you…boy you must have been one evil baby! Looks like your mum stuck you in the barrel and left you!"

Snow White was starting to look stroppy… the safe thing to do would be to stop…but of course he couldn't do that!

Speaking of Snow White, he could faintly hear the war cry's from his Dwarves.

Right, more insults…

"You know, if there was a snow storm, you'd be invisible?" he stated as the voices of the Dwarves got closer, _that's fine Thorin, take your time, not like im in a rush or anything…_"Are you scared of lights? Or did your parents just lock you in the basement?"

Snow White gave a girly shriek as he stormed off out of the dungeon, the shriek was cut off abruptly, _wonder what happened there? _he thought sarcastically _oh yes, hmmm, snow white killed by Dwarves, charming…._

Soo what do you think? This amused me to no end….yeah


End file.
